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| I guess this is my one safe place anymore now that people that don't need to know much about me have invaded facebook. I don't know if anyone gets this anymore but I'm having a really hard time right now and I'm needing to bear my soul for a few...
I don't know if its me or what but I was never taught to study, or even good ways to study, which means that now in college I still have no really good study skills and its hurting me now. I can't stay focused on anything and its killing me..
I work at a job that isn't a typical part time job, my job requires me to think about the next day and worry that I got everything done on time and in the right order to help these people out (which none of them appreciate) and then going to school full time and trying to stay ahead of it all... I'm sinking fast and the problem is I'm the only lifeguard... Right now I can't seem to find any of the people in my life that I could depend on other than my parents... Some stuff I don't want to talk to them about but I can't find anyone to talk to, I know they are busy but for years they put stuff on my shoulder why can't I put some back on them for once.
I need to learn to focus thats all I know I can do the work if I understand it, I just can't focus on it to do it and I don't know how to stop it.
Sorry to rant, if someone does read this anymore.
Till next time
N8
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| In the words of the Narrator from Anchorman, Times they are a changin.
As one grows up they start to realize that things differ from what they were 4 yrs ago, 2 yrs ago, heck anymore its 6 months ago. You don't keep the same contacts, Friends that you thought you would have forever start to get into serious relationship where the other half doesn't get along with any of your past friends, they get boyfriends/girlfriends and suddenly they don't have time for you anymore. The once definition of "Best Friend" just doesn't have the same meaning as it did when you were younger, back in the day the term best friend meant someone you could call at all hours of the night and you knew they would be there by the second ring and would laugh and say "This better be worth it". As we get older the term best friend starts to mean someone you email occasionally or see have a common interest with making it harder to make close connections as we all lead very different and busy lives.
I used to believe that I could stop that change, retard it some how, keep my friends close. That thought is now starting to fade as I start to slip away from the life of my best friend. It hurts me to think this but such is life, its all a bunch of pain but it is how we deal with it and continue on is what defines us and makes us better people. I'll be honest it sucks and I don't care who see me hurting, thinks of me as a pansy this is me. I'm a sensitive who needs his friends exspecialy those who know him as well as this one does. This friend seems to have someone really special in there life and I wouldn't dream of hurting a budding romance by my petty problems. I tried to change to be more involved but that didn't work, I've tried other things but in the end we have different interests and it just seems easier to let them go, we all must take a different road in life and blaze a trail for ourselves.
There are times where you just want to remember and then you think it hurts to much to remember. You just suppress it to the back of your mind for a time that is better. It never gets easier to bring back those memories good times or bad. We all must do it thought. It keeps us sane and helps us to learn.
In a matter of minutes I have typed what has been eating at my soul for the past month at least, and it will still eat at me but hopefully less than before. I don't know how many still read this nor do I care. This was for me, but if you did get something from it let me know. I love my friends with all of my heart I do and so it truly is rough to slip away from them but to all those in the future that will have the pleasure of knowing me as a friend look out, cause your getting a good one (not bragging).
God Bless my friends, and lets hope we all can meet up soon!
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| I haven't been on here in forever and when I was on here wow... I was a depressed dude... ugh.. not that guy anymore :) *cheers*
I just had to put these lyrics on here and get them out to my friends, Casting Crowns sings this song and it is almost the greatest song i know right now, it just speaks to me...
Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances
have clouded his view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.
I fear that I won’t have the words
that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up
to You.
Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the
world, I know he means much
more to You.
I want so much to help him, but
this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.
There's a way that seems so right to him.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strings.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.
Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Later Days...
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| Everyone says to me you have a lot to offer people, well i can't see it and if I can't see it how can I do anything about it. I know you that still read this your tired of hearing me complain but you know if I don't get it out this way I'm never going to.
I'm so tired of being me, I'm negative as was pointed out which is true, I try to impress people because I'm really self consciences about my weight hell my nickname growing up was chubby bunny, how do i out grow that when I'm still huge, I weight 280 at 20 yrs old.. I am truly nothing impressive... I am well nothing.
Shut up all you people out there that say do something about it, if you were really my friends you would help. so until you want to make that effort shut your freaking mouth... I just hate me...
I'm the only person I know that is this low... I have little to no self esteem anymore, and everything tell you to be strong, how can you be strong when your at rock bottom. I had this great plan with great people surrounding me, things I wanted... now nothing came throught I have been screwed over, figureitivly and literally... I have nothing in that plan still working, I have no goals anymore, cause I've done everything I wanted and I'm back at this place in my life where all I can do is go up, but there is no footholds no nothing.
I miss, well I have nothing to miss... I'm a failure and that it. I will not fake it anymore.! will not
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| As I sit and ponder upon the life that I want to lead for others to follow I'm reminded of Indiana Jones and the holy grail... yeah I know but go with me here...
He has to cross a wide gore... and with out faith he would fall but with faith a path would be opened for him to follow... And so I figure why not have faith and have that path opened up for me, its there I just have to receive it. you know...
I'm sitting here watching this angel sleep and I can't help but wonder what would happen to me if I didn't have hope and faith that something good would happen.. you know, I could be alone forgetting everything in the past along with the people that has caused me loads of pain or I could embrace that pain and learn from it creating tighter bonds and a strength in my self more than I ever thought possible... I think that with these last few months I have learned alot from being who I am... I'm forgiving and yes I know I have people in my life that think that I should "find em, finger em, fuck em, forget em" but I can't be that guy... its not who I am nor who I want to be. I know that this is what I want in my life I have over the past few years put myself with people that not only care about me but love me, as a person, as a friend, and most importantly a confidante! I know that sometimes in life we get in a rut with friends and you just don't talk much because you know each other so well that you don't need to do all the talking that you did when you were just starting out. and I think that happens in relationships sometimes, you just don't know... I don't want things to get stale with my friends but I don't think I have what it takes to save them... This summer will be something that must do it, I'm going to be working full time as well as all the people that I'm close to and I don't want those weeks that I'm gone to form a gap in the relationship but everyone has a cell phone so I really don't think that will happen plus with my age and years of responsibly on staff I think i can get away with leaving more often to see the people that I care about.
My friends are my world, I don't know what I would do with out them and I know that sometimes I'm not the best at being a friend, and I know that sometimes you aren't either but know that I care about you all... I really do, and I miss you...
Later Days....
N8 | | |
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